Oct 9, 2017
oil on panel, 8"x8"
Available for reservations.
Have you ever had those evenings where all you want to do is sit down and cry?
Yup, that's what happened to me.
Here's what's going on in my head right now (especially for Jose, who couldn't get a word out of me almost all evening as I banged my head against almost all the walls in our apartment due to insane creative block):
I've been going through a ton of self-doubt lately over the past few days. What happens is that I stop believing in my ability to even do what I love to do most and to release some stress - to paint. I have feelings I want to put onto the panel through my brush strokes, real feelings that I want to release into the world. But, with so much doubt and confusion about life, work and the wedding, it's sometimes feels like too much for my paint brushes to handle and it all bundles together into a huge pile of shmuck in my brain.
I don't know if that made any sense, but I'm moving on.
My life over the past few months has been completed shaken up, tossed upside down and thrown to the farthest end of the earth. It's been such a crazy ride to say the least. The life of a creative is a life of consistently being torn apart and put back together by critics, by friends, by family, by everyone who has an opinion, the harshest critic being yourself. As a creative, you are demanded to have soft and tough skin, to know when to take crap and when to lay it all out into the world and your work space. I don't think anything can prepare you for any of it and I wouldn't change it for the world. Not only is this a change, but I've been struggling with fusing my work with people pulling me left and right to plan a wedding. One day of my life with Jose, the first day of our official family unit together and formed, being picked at by everyone who can get their hands on it. Emotions are everywhere, everyone has a demand of some sort that must be tolerated and adhered to, vendors must be synchronized, and so much more. All of this is completed mostly by yours truly. I've mostly been silent about this (Jose can probably say otherwise as he really is the only one who constantly sees me in my most natural state), but I can't keep it in any longer. Fusing my beloved creative work with demands left and right from people constantly picking your brain about a day that is not theirs is extremely brutal.
The best way to describe the feeling I have: imagine people picking your hair, bit by bit, question by question, comment by comment, demand by demand, and eventually there is no hair left to consume. Your head is left raw, cold and feeling defenseless, and all you have left to do is cry.
I keep getting questions and comments about how I'm doing, if I'm freaking out yet, if I'm overwhelmed yet, when all the while my work load is piling up while the wedding load piles up at the same rate. I honestly don't know what to do any more other than turn off my phone for the day and ignore all wedding things as I work, setting specific hours to answer questions, comments, demands. I also have been trying to practice more self-love than usual, telling myself that I am worthy, that I am precious, and that I am beautiful, from everything to who I am to the art that I create on a daily basis. I've been pushing through the doubt and really leaning on Jose to help me when it all feels like too much, and prayer has been a huge bolster in our journey together.
How are WE doing? Wonderful, because we know that we are planning a wedding day to remember, a day of love and unity, the first day of our little family together. And we.cannot.flipping.wait.
I read recently that artists thrive off self-doubt and passion to fuel their expression and artistic personality. That's what I did today with this little painting. I literally walked around the apartment for and hour or so banging my head against walls trying to figure out what to paint. Jose pulled the Macy's bag out from under the desk, put it on the floor, and suggested I paint it.
I feel banged up, completed consumed, and defeated tonight. I reluctantly painted, and when it was completed, I cried, showered, and started writing this post.
Please please don't get me wrong - I am so unbelievably excited to marry my best friend in the entire world and start a little family with him. Me putting these feelings out for the world to see is another way I can show readers that wedding planning is hard work - not only for the to-do list but also for the soul. I hope this post can help someone out there get ready for what life is like 12 days before getting married, and to be a little more prepared than I was for the pile up of everything and everyone.